Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.
In the course of my life I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
I'm not afraid to look like an idiot.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
The salesman knows nothing of what he is selling save that he is charging a great deal too much for it.
Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Some like them fat, some like them tall, some like them short, skinny legs and all. I like them all.
Note to self: Pasty-skinned programmers ought not stand in the Mojave desert for multiple hours.
My life is like a lone, forgotten Q-Tip in the second-to-last drawer.
I quite like it when I'm on the Tube and people offer me their seat. Sometimes I take it. The other day I was offered a seat by a pregnant lady. I thought, 'That's going a bit far.'
I tried to use Tinder. It didn't work.
If America had been discovered as many times as I have, no one would remember Columbus.
In the movies, I kill guys with an axe. In real life, I can't control a nine-year-old girl.
I'm just an old man and I smell bad, remember?
If I could live my life over again, there is one thing I would change. I would want to be able to eat less.
The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shockproof, shit detector.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...
I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.