Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.
In the course of my life I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
I'm not afraid to look like an idiot.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
The salesman knows nothing of what he is selling save that he is charging a great deal too much for it.
Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Some like them fat, some like them tall, some like them short, skinny legs and all. I like them all.
Note to self: Pasty-skinned programmers ought not stand in the Mojave desert for multiple hours.
My life is like a lone, forgotten Q-Tip in the second-to-last drawer.
I quite like it when I'm on the Tube and people offer me their seat. Sometimes I take it. The other day I was offered a seat by a pregnant lady. I thought, 'That's going a bit far.'
I tried to use Tinder. It didn't work.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...
I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.
I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Don't try to be like Jackie. There is only one Jackie. Study computers instead.
“Learn from the experience of masters, in business, finance, spirituality and self improvement.”