Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.
In the course of my life I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
I'm not afraid to look like an idiot.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
The salesman knows nothing of what he is selling save that he is charging a great deal too much for it.
Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Some like them fat, some like them tall, some like them short, skinny legs and all. I like them all.
Note to self: Pasty-skinned programmers ought not stand in the Mojave desert for multiple hours.
My life is like a lone, forgotten Q-Tip in the second-to-last drawer.
I quite like it when I'm on the Tube and people offer me their seat. Sometimes I take it. The other day I was offered a seat by a pregnant lady. I thought, 'That's going a bit far.'
I tried to use Tinder. It didn't work.
Perhaps I’m not a good actor, but I would be even worse at doing anything else.
When I was in junior high school, the teachers voted me the student most likely to end up in the electric chair.
What do you take me for? A fourteen karat sucker?
They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?
Would you please please please please please please please stop talking?
Moving from chair to chair, from coffee machine to coffee machine is the limit of my action in most films. But I enjoy being cast in them because I love watching them.
Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to speak French.