funny-quotes

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

- George Carlin

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.

In the course of my life I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.

- Winston Churchill

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

I'm not afraid to look like an idiot.

- Anthony Bourdain

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

- George Carlin

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

- George Carlin

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

- George Carlin

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

The salesman knows nothing of what he is selling save that he is charging a great deal too much for it.

Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some like them fat, some like them tall, some like them short, skinny legs and all. I like them all.

Note to self: Pasty-skinned programmers ought not stand in the Mojave desert for multiple hours.

My life is like a lone, forgotten Q-Tip in the second-to-last drawer.

- Carrie Fischer

I quite like it when I'm on the Tube and people offer me their seat. Sometimes I take it. The other day I was offered a seat by a pregnant lady. I thought, 'That's going a bit far.'

I tried to use Tinder. It didn't work.

- Markus Persson

If America had been discovered as many times as I have, no one would remember Columbus.

In the movies, I kill guys with an axe. In real life, I can't control a nine-year-old girl.

- Sylvester Stallone

I'm just an old man and I smell bad, remember?

- Stanley Kubrick

If I could live my life over again, there is one thing I would change. I would want to be able to eat less.

- Luciano Pavarotti

The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shockproof, shit detector.

- Ernest Hemingway

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...

I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.

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