I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. - Mark Twain
In the course of my life I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet. - Winston Churchill
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck. - George Carlin
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. - George Carlin
Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom. - J.K. Rowling
The salesman knows nothing of what he is selling save that he is charging a great deal too much for it. - Oscar Wilde
Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense. - Robert Frost
Some like them fat, some like them tall, some like them short, skinny legs and all. I like them all. - James Brown
Note to self: Pasty-skinned programmers ought not stand in the Mojave desert for multiple hours. - John Carmack
I quite like it when I'm on the Tube and people offer me their seat. Sometimes I take it. The other day I was offered a seat by a pregnant lady. I thought, 'That's going a bit far.' - Ian McKellen
When I was in junior high school, the teachers voted me the student most likely to end up in the electric chair. - Sylvester Stallone
They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody? - Diana, Princess of Wales
Moving from chair to chair, from coffee machine to coffee machine is the limit of my action in most films. But I enjoy being cast in them because I love watching them. - Stephen Fry
Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to speak French. - P. G. Wodehouse
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