I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. - Mark Twain
In the course of my life I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet. - Winston Churchill
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck. - George Carlin
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. - George Carlin
Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom. - J.K. Rowling
The salesman knows nothing of what he is selling save that he is charging a great deal too much for it. - Oscar Wilde
Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense. - Robert Frost
Some like them fat, some like them tall, some like them short, skinny legs and all. I like them all. - James Brown
Note to self: Pasty-skinned programmers ought not stand in the Mojave desert for multiple hours. - John Carmack
I quite like it when I'm on the Tube and people offer me their seat. Sometimes I take it. The other day I was offered a seat by a pregnant lady. I thought, 'That's going a bit far.' - Ian McKellen
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny... - Isaac Asimov
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. - Albert Einstein
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